Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Closure & What I Miss

El otro día mi hermano Manu tenia un problemilla y na, we went to pick him up for a couple of drinks, Vicz and I. We ended up in Comodos for no reason considering we hadn’t been there in months really.

Well the conversation began rather slow and pointless. In fact Manu didn’t speak until the end of the night. Well after all the drinks I really don’t recall what time it was. I can tell you it was 10pm when we got there and it was 2am when we left. Yes, hablamos el maso.

Entre varias cosas y menesteres pues yo he empezado a hablar. ... Esperense, como les explico? Ok. Cuando yo quiero explicar algo yo doy mil vueltas y digo cuchomil ejemplos para que me entiendan. Normalmente meto cosas de mi ser, osea personales para que entiendan mejor. Pues para ABRIR el tema de Manu yo me he ido en una. Ahi fue que me vine a dar cuenta de algo.

¿Ustedes han oido de “closure”? Closure es un término en inglés que quiere decir cerrar un tema, resolver todo lo relacionado a eso y dejarlo en el pasado. Normalmente se relaciona a algun problema emocional y mas aún a algo en el ámbito de las relaciones amorosas. Pues... Esa noche fue que yo me he dado cuenta que I don’t have closure. I honestly don’t. I haven’t had closure from the past three people that I have loved!

Look at it one way or another these people still haunt me. In a good and/or a bad way. Good because I still love them somehow, I still smile when I see them, and somehow I still need them. But this is only because I haven’t closed that door. I mean, ever had a lot of REALLY GOOD food? Like, imagínense un banquete de las cosas que más adoran comer. Ya estan llenos, ya no pueden mas y se mudan del comedor. Si todavia lo huelen y saben que esta en la mesa y por alguna razon se mantiene caliente como que la mente dice “bueno you could have more, go on man, come on, do it, do it.” Pues ok. Si no es asi con ustedes you sort of at least have a weird idea of what I mean.

Na, me desvie again, see what i mean? <> Yo sé que mi tiempo con aquellas personas ha pasado. Incluso de las tres solamente tuve algo oficial con una. Pero el problema es que aunque es bueno que las vea y sonria y que vivo en esa memoria y en ese WHAT IF todavia esta el lado malo. Por mas que yo quiera “move on” no puedo, tengo ese pasado ahi. Haunting me.

I haven’t forgotten about these people. They are still there. Manu & Vicz tell me to talk to them and give them closure. But how do you approach someone whom you haven’t spoken to in months after a petty fight? How do you walk up to two people who have a present relationship: one whom denied you because you were too late & another that chose to move on because you had screwed up too many times? I don’t know.

I am a highly sensitive person. I can be so mean and rude and stubborn and dry and quiet. Yet sometimes my mind goes wild with passion and love. A lot of people tell me that they are amazed when they read my poems or my stories or even this blog [ como Shiara ] because they didn’t know I had the capacity of showing so much emotion. I’ve always said that only my close friends know me that way. Well,… and you people. [ by the way, if you DO see me say hi, I’m not that bad, 'aereo' si, pero no soy tan malo. ]

I read the other day somewhere, don’t remember where that you don’t evaluate your life by how many breaths you took, but by how many times your breath was taken away. That’s deep. I remember those times. I have them lodged in my memory. I forget your names and where I know you from, but if I ever loved you somehow I will remember things you’d be amazed.

You know something I truly miss?

It’s that moment when you just woke up. That you wake up slowly opening your eyes and you see that person you love right beside you. Doesn’t matter where … in a bus on a trip, at the beach, at a hotel room, on a couch, or in someone’s bedroom. It's that small moment when you know you’re perfect jsut like that. That instant that lasts forever and you can just smile. Not a big smile, .. a small smile that is mostly in your mind, not shown in your face.

In that small instant you observe and examine the curve of her eyelashes, the shape of her eyebrows, the sound of her breathing, that strand of hair that fell onto her cheek, her cute nose, her precious mouth, and you always stare back at her eyelids … and then … right in that instant, right when you smile and it’s so perfect that it could never be any better… she wakes up, looks into your eyes looking at her and smiles backs. Beauty.

That I miss.

15 comments:

iliana... said...

Well.. this took my breath away.

Soy Manu said...

Bueno man...Eso de los closures es difícil, porque por experiencia te digo que los momentos que se presentan esos "cierres" uno siente que la tierra se lo va a tragar.

Y la otra baina es que hace mucho que a mi me pasa lo mismo de que extrañar el hecho de despertarme frente a esa chica y sentir lo indescriptible, y no pienso describirlo porque tu ya lo has hecho.

Na mi hermano, hay que seguir leyendo historias y leer otros libros y cerrar capitulos...

Chenkui Yakchemash

Anonymous said...

Tu eres el que decides que puerta cerrar en tu vida.. si no cerraron por alguna razon sera no crees ?? tu debes quisas retroseder en tu mente para saber que es lo que esta pasando con tu pasado .. quisas hay este la respuesta..

Joanna said...

*Sighs*

Carmen Almonte said...

George todo lo q podria decir acerca de tu entra de hoy esta en:

http://carvial.blogspot.com/2005/05/solo-para-ti.html

Kiki A.Ortiz said...

si,ya yo no firmo anonimo, o sea q la anonimo no fui yo.

Kiki A.Ortiz said...

si te estas camuflajeando con tu pasado,por miedo a lo q sea...no se,creo q te entiendo ,lo hice tantas veces que se convirtio en un circulo vicioso..hasta q yo decidi no marearme y seguir,nada ata,nadie puede decir no puedo esto..nada es imposible,para cerrar es mas importante antes de hablar con las oras personas cerralo tu mismo,darte la oportunidad de seguir...es una decisión valiente ser feliz..y nah...
y si, verle despertar es lo q mas sueño q vuelva un día.

Gabriela said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gabriela said...

Postie algo mal ahorita, sorry!!)

Que te digo, blown away yet again by you, me arregle en la silla para escribirte esto...

Se necesita ese Closure para tu darte cuenta, de que en realidad termino, y porque ya no es lo que fue, o por que ya no puede ser mas. No se si me entiendes, no es bueno quedarte con la duda toda tu vida del "what if".

Mira, con eso del closure he tenido un problema muy grande... el no tener un "closure" que te quite ese sentimientico que tu mencionas te puede traer problemas a proximas relaciones, tanto a ti y tu pareja, como a la otra persona involucrada y su pareja... and you move on without it, pero queda esa vocecita por ahi, que te asalta de repente.

Asi que te recomiendo mucho eso, algo que termine de desprenderte de esas relaciones, de verdad vas a sentir un alivio grande!

*~*
Top Gun in Berlin ;)

Anonymous said...

Yo creo que tu estas enamorado y temes aceptar de quien es.. nah..the answer is right in front of you..
Aceptala

hipergrafismo said...

Closure is overrated.

SPIDERWOMAN said...

I always moved on. Only once I didn't do it on time and ended up very bad after 9 years. From that moment on (I still have sequels on my health from that) I decided NEVER AGAIN. When it's over, it's over. But I know, right now I feel that you are like Lenny Kravitz's song: it ain't over 'til it's over. But you have to let it flow and it will go away. Right after it's over, kiss it goodbye and see it for the last time inside of you and let if fly like a dove.

Take care, darling...

Gabriela said...

la anonima debe salir de su anonimato, tonce!!

PLANETABLOG said...

Estuve aquí el otro día y leí lo que escribiste, me fui al trabajo y me puse a pensar en el asunto, y diablo hay muchísimas cosas a las que yo no le he puesto ese punto final, pero lo voy hacer, un día de estos, porque creo que es mejor que todo tenga su lugar en nuestras vidas.

joselo182 said...

una de las muchas cosas ke tenemos en comun yorch es ke we still have a few unfinished chapters in our life.

i dont know ur reasons, but mines camouflage between fear and the desire of never ending. the worse part of all of this is that im truly aware of the reality.

in the other hand yorch
the sad part is that u and me know that the answer has to come from us, and no one else. its not the same to know the answer than to know what to do with it