Monday, May 30, 2005

...y me fui en una...

Sí, me fui en una... pero antes que nada queria apologize for this tremendous wait for a new post. A lot of you begged and pleaded for a new one, but as I said once "mejor no escribo na a escribir una mierda." He estado escribiendo mucho en papelitos, post-its, hojas, servilletas y donde sea para acordarme de varias cosas que quisiera soltar. I'm already working on "How To Speak Like George III: Revenge of the Guebo." My time has been mostly taken up by Andrew's arrival back on the island, beaches, LOST, and Kingdom Hearts. I can't get enough of that game, I'm actually listenning to the theme right now... Bueno, enough of emmm starting ummm thingies [ toy oxidao en mis palabritas bonitas ] y vamo al mambo!

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Last week [ Wednesday ] was the last day of actual classes for all of High School and starting tomorrow [ my History test ] they get exams. I walked out of my last period 6th-7th-8th grade Advanced English class and I stood in the hallway. Wow. 180 school days have almost gone by already. It's funny how little you pay attention to things and how quickly you miss them. I stood there and went classroom by classroom to turn off the lights, the fans, the air conditioners and close the doors. Every room in high school empty. Every chair in its right place, in perfectly straight lines. All the whiteboards empty. Silence. I waited as some students finished off NEXT WEDNESDAYs work and handed it to me with smiles on their faces. How many times had I stood there and told kids to tuck in their shirts. To take off their hats. To stop pushing. To go back to class. Asked for permissions. Checked the bathrooms for students skipping class. Walked into a room to tell them to be quiet. Walked in just to make fun of someone and walk away while they went "ayyy profeeeeee ute si e malo!!!" So many shouts silenced. And now I stood there yearning for them once more. I could never work somewhere that was not as fun and ever-changing as a school. Things were ALWAYS different the next day. Even if you gave the same exact material to two separate groups one after another, the questions were not the same, the examples would differ, their agility always increasing. I thrive on asking for more, on seeking the perfection. I love the look on their faces when I say "It's good, almost perfect." Then the usual response "Y porque it's not perfect?!?" and I'd always joke "'Cause then you'd be me" and a smile. "Ute siempre creyéndosela..." I hate the summer. I'm absent of all dosis of daily joy. I am rarely upset when I am teaching. It is hard for me to lose it and it is easily gained back. I am going to miss them all this summer and hate not seeing them all the time.

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Yo siempre supe que yo pensaba las cosas demasiado. Desde chiquito cuestionaba las cosas demasiado. Me acuerdo que yo jugaba GI Joes a todo momento del día y no era como un carajito cualquiera que era a base de gritos y golpes y estrallones. No. Yo le asignaba a cada uno de mis GI Joes alguien que yo conociera y despues actuaba lo que sea que ocurria en el momento. Mis soluciones. Mis alternativas. Mis pensamientos sobre lo que ocurria. Cuando digo chiquito, I mean like 8 years or so. Think that far back, not more.

Años pasaron y me acuerdo una vez que yo debia de tener quizas 13 años que estaba en un resort en alguna playa y escribi "Jill & George" en la arena. No estaba ni acabando de escribir mi nombre y vino una ola y lo borro todo. En ese momento me quedé mirando lo que habia pasado y pensé que si asi eran las cosas. Que asi de como llegaban se iban. Que tan facilmente la vida cambiaba y te daba un 180.

Unos cuantos años más y tenía 15 años cuando conocí a Marta Canaán. Eso fue famoso. I got to college and we were still together. Fightless. Sin cuernos. En un viaje a Sur América paramos en un sitio en el medio de Argentina y Brazil. Al subir unas tremendas escaleras por como una hora subiendo la montaña llegamos a un lago arriba en las montañas. Un espectaculo ver ese lagito ahi arriba escondido. Me sente en una mesa de madera y saque mi Swiss Army [ que habra pasado con eso? ] y escribi en la madera "No matter what, I will always love Marta 1998" Yeah. I know what you're thinking. "Tu escribiste TO ESO?" Trust me. It took a while. I have to admit I could never stop loving Marta. It's not the same love. Antes que se vayan en una. I just know que I will always love her because all she did for me. Pero. Me desvio del punto. I remember thinking that even if we ever broke up [obviously we did] I knew she would always mean something to me. Ok. I was 15. I was 15 and here I was telling myself I would never forget her and always love her. Amazingly, she still does.

I love thinking. It gets me going. More than thinking I love talking. I love being able to GIVE opinions and advice. I love to have unlimited time so that THAT way I can stop when I am done. And normally I am never done. Ask my students. I never stop talking. Regardless the day. Regardless the time. Regardless the heat.

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I keep on telling myself I need to move on. Pero ahi es que esta el truquito. Uno no puede decirse a uno mismo "YA COÑO VOY A DALE PA'LANTE!" porque eso no funciona asi. Eso le decia a Manu el otro dia. Ya estaba decidido en algo. Ya. Osea. I was god damn set. Y en segundos todo lo que habia dicho y pensado se volvio nada. Me volvi un etcetera y volvi a donde estaba. Eso de seguir hacia delante no funciona no. [ Sí Manu eso es un NO negativo ] Ese tipo de cosas simplemente pasan. Uno de la nada se encuentra en otra etapa. Asi que hare lo que le digo a todo el mundo "Just wait it out."

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Closure no existe. You just forget. You just "move on." You just accept. You just get happier. You just replace. Y a ti... no, i would never want closure from you. [ it's good to know you read ] Never close something you hope you can open up again. Never seal something up that you wish to remain open. Just a thought.

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Ok, como les dije... me fui en una ... hehe...

Don't worry, life doesn't suck.
Whenever I think my life sucks I think of these two:



Need I say more?

9 comments:

DisturbiKa said...

Oh My God!! esa es la Ranita de Metan? la ke lloraba mucho??... ay dios... ke tiempos akellos?

Anonymous said...

I'll miss it too....already do

iliana... said...

cuantas cosas juntas, cuantas cosas buenas juntas.

joselo182 said...

the voice of the xperience talked.

and once again i support ur point of view.

but not always life smiles when it comes to our desires

SPIDERWOMAN said...

Al final de cuentas, quien sabe cómo echar para alante es el "destino"... uno solamente se mueve cuando es el turno de uno. O te hacen "pasao paloma". There is one second, and that is YOUR second. Use it or spoil it. Nobody can kick you to go for it, not even yourself.

Love always, darling!

Marianita said...

Time is beautiful, everything is beautiful my George and we're suppost to sacarle el juguito a toooodo lo que hacemos...que es dificil vivir como si fuera el ultimo día de nuestras vidas?? lo se, pero si a todo le damos tiempo al tiempo, a saber que aquellas heridas o amores que todavía anhelamos algun día se olvidarán y quedarán como un grato recuerdo tanto en nuestras mentes como en nuestros corazones (no me refiero a una pareja, sino a todo en si)....
And yes it's true, eso de closure, nananina, for me it doesn't exist, you just know cuando algo llegó hasta donde iba, se siente cierto alivio y como que todo te sonrie dentro de ti, it just feel right como que mierquina tanto sufrimiento, tanto que luche, pero bueno por algo dicen que Dios solo te da y te quita lo que te conviene, soooo keep doing what u love and never stop listenin' to your heart =)
ji ji.....ahi se me fue la guagua! (por no decir me fui en una...j/k)

::over-whelmed:: said...

lol..

Gabriela said...

I truly envy you man, but good envy... I have yet to find something that truly ignites my passion as much as teaching does to you. I hope soon, very soon, I can finally figure out what the hell is it I love besides dirtbikes and mima... hehehe

Luv ya dude!

(y entre los munequitos, te falto Jose Miel.. el pajaron ese!)

Kiki A.Ortiz said...

tienes pasión para jugar con gi joes,tienes pasión para enseñar,para vivir una relación,para amar,para sentir,para vivir en tu pasado (si,es una pasión también) ,pasión por escribir..pero te falta pasión..
Una vez creí que el amor no se acababa,sino q se escondía, en realidad no se acaba sino q se transforma..tu lo has dicho, eso es una forma de closure..no querer igual a alguien.