Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Some Things Old

I don't know why, but I just recalled a very heartbreaking moment for me. In a sense maybe you might not find it so woeful or anything, but I don't know WHY I thought of it and it's like the sadness just poured itself back in.

This must have been at least more than a year ago. I've been single for a year now, ergo, more than a year.

There is a famous question I believe I have asked every single one of the eight girlfriends I have had and that is "What could you possibly see in someone like me?" Yes, my low self-esteem is rather pronounced, is it not? Well, since all of them were different and they were all in rather different moments of my life the answers varied from one to another. Nevertheless the one answer that seemed to repeat itself in one form or another was the famous "childish" quality I have. It is not that I am immature, it is just that I sort of enjoy life in a way a child will. I have my moments when the true maturity and seriousness of an adult kicks in, but most of my life is ruled by fun, laughter, and wild stories of my friends.

The thing is some time back, when Cynthia and I were beginning to have problems, there were these petty little fights that made no sense. Mind you that I love her to death to this day, differently, but still love her in amazing amounts. Things were going awry and I was found struggling to keep the relationship in place, fighting to hold on, clinging on to the beautiful small moments and somehow always coming out victorious for "one more chance." This went on for months...

Everyone was oblivious to these problems and whenever we would go out we would be that PERFECT couple once more. Heck, I honestly did not care because we were great together, possibly almost every aspect of us was great. The thing is, and I have been thru this, as love seems to fade away or at least HINT that it might fade away and PA COLMO you don't want to end the relationship,... one tends to start hating [i despise that word, pero es la que mejor pega para que me entiendan] a la otra persona por estar juntas. Now, please understand these are my thoughts on the matter, they might be different, so if you wish to spread the word or... GOSSIP about it, at least say that I admit it is what I believe.

Well, I think at one point there was basic fight-picking. Any little thing and a fight would emerge, I'd twist it around and we'd stay together. A problem,... we'd talk it out and kiss it up. This went on up until she said one thing that hit me, it sort of... well... broke my heart.

In one of those extensive conversations about what was wrong and how to fix it and so on and so forth it came out. [i'm paraphrasing my memory doesn't work well enough to remember the exact thing] "Es que tu eres un carajito, tu vives tu vida pensando que es como un show o una pelicula"

I don't know why that hit me so strong. Why did that hurt so much? Why did I cry over that later on that night? Could the one thing everyone had always said they loved about me had turned against me?

I began to analyze it then. It was true, basically, I did live my life thinking of movies and TV shows. I had grown up watching things like "Dawson's Creek" and "Felicity." Believing that friends were just like "Friends" and that people could get away with being sly and prick like in "Seinfeld." I believed in love like I saw in "Don Juan DeMarco" and "Meet Joe Black." I believed in fighting for what you believe in like in "Braveheart." Things always worked out for the best like in "Breakfast Club", "St.Elmo's Fire", "Pretty in Pink", and "Sixteen Candles."

I think back now and I realize that apart from "Seinfeld" I have stopped believing in all those things. Somehow, inadvertently, she had rid me of all that love for fantasy in life. That true love always found its way. That if you were good enough you would get good things in life. That friends are always there for you.

I don't know. I don't hate her. I don't think anything bad of her, but I just remembered this and realized how things have just stopped since then. I miss that kid inside, it's still there, comes out sometimes to giggle, or point and laugh at someone, but he's locked up inside for some reason. I wish you could know him.


14 comments:

Anonymous said...

mientras lo leía me veía a mi..y mas sobretodo diciendote muchas cosas acerca de esto..*u*k
el abecedario entero quiere salir por mi boca.

Kiki A.Ortiz said...

el q mas me ha gustado leer

Ambar said...

Teach....
We need to talk. I'll send you a msg.

Anonymous said...

George me encanta leer tu blog...Este me gusto mucho.
Don't stop writing

iliana... said...

wao george... primero no creo que debas preguntar what could you possibly see in me, serian ciegos si no ven que tan especial eres.
Y mientras leia este post, a la vez que conocia tu experiencia, me daba cuenta que eso me ha pasado a mi tambien, al menos por momentos, que eso me ha pasado a mi tambien. La realidad ha roto my pink shades, pero I manage to get new ones every now and then... let's show the kid the way out, and well play a happy ending.

Soy Manu said...

Man na ma te voy a deci una baina. El chamakito ese, release him porque tu fuiste el que me enseñó que a Tinkerbell hay que cuidarla; y te voy a decir una baina LOS ADULTOS SON ABURRIDOS y si algun dia te veo llegando ahi no te voy a permitir que llegues. Keep being siendo un niño porque es demasiado apero......chenkui yakchemash

Joanna said...

Solo recuerda que TODOS tenemos nuestro lado infantil...
Y estoy de acuerdo con Manuel & Ili, sigue mostrando ese niño que llevas dentro, que eso es una de las TANTAS cosas que te hacen especial. :)

hipergrafismo said...

I think the term should be child-like, in lieu of childish. Don't forsake it because of something somebody said in the heat of spite, somebody who was obviously all wrong for you. Let the kid out, love with abandon, like in the movies. Sure, It'll kick you in the teeth once in a while, but when you really get down to it, it's worth it.

SPIDERWOMAN said...

George, pero e' un plan pa' ponerme a llorar que tú tienes? Van como 4 entrys que tengo que "juir" a buscar la caj' e' Kleenex... my GOD!

You know? I didn't have many boyfriends, just 2 plus my husband, but I had a lot of affairs who never got "more than just going out for a couple of times", exactly because of "that girlie in me". And believe me, I tried to suffocate her sometimes, but I kept telling to myself: "Hey, Spidey, sooner or later will come to your life THAT MAN who will love you the way you are, as a child or as a woman... and if at the end nobody comes, they are the ones missing it".

Long time after THAT MAN came to my life and is the man who makes me the happiest woman alive!!!

(And he specially loves that I live my life as if I would never be older than 6)

Take care and open the doors, so that kiddy can run out and enjoy the weather!!!!


Big kiss!

DisturbiKa said...

.... bueno... yo siempre te he preguntado si es ke tu vida gira en torno a WB11 y X Box.... ya veo... yo... yo no soy asi.. I mean... soy muy cariñosa y juguetona por momentos.. pero la mayoria de las veces soy muy... no se, muy seria... y por eso me molesta que la gente siempre ande como relajando y como cojiendo todo en broma y como viviendo en utopilandia, u know what I mean? no es ke este mal eso de ser a child inside... pero de verdad creo que esos arrebatos de "madura infantilidad" -ok, esa palabra me la acabo de inventar- deben ser momentaneos, no toooodo el tiempo...

Un beso Yorch...

Otra cosa... kieres saber que es lo que ven en ti? Sientate y lee tu blog... ahi esta la respuesta.

Marianita said...

The one thing that i love the most in live is love, cuz it's something that moves everything but the thing i hate the most is that i don't understand pq si es tan lindo y hermoso tiene que doler tanto, GOD!!
I mean, quien te quiera, no matter what lo hara por sobretodas las cosas y aprendera a amarte tal cual eres....don't stop being what u are por algo que realmente te hace lo especial que eres... :D

Carmen Almonte said...

Bueno.....al leerlo muchas cosas pasaron por mi cabeza desde sentirme identificada en momentos hasta ver lo LOST q estas. Cada ser humano tiene ese algo q lo hace especial, pero lamentablemente no todo el mundo lo ve, pero por eso no debes querer cambiarlo. Muchas veces cuando queremos a alguien y a esa persona no le gusta algo de nosotros queremos como cambiar esa forma engañandonos a nosotros mismos porque somos asi y asi es como realmente nos deben querer.

EL VERDADERO AMOR NO ES EL Q PERDONA NUESTROS DEFECTOS, SINO AQUEL Q NO LOS CONOCE. osea ve q hay cosas en nostros q quizas no sean las mejores, pero no lo ve como un defecto sino como parte de nosotros mismos.



George espero q sientas menos Lost.

BbJnnRR said...

me encanta leer tus post, me encanta la facilidad q tienes para expresar el mas minimo detalle, q por minimo q parezca tiene importancia, envidio la destreza con la q expones tus sentimientos. me encanta tu blog

Anonymous said...

Que pena que hayas tenido que pasar por eso... es horrible cuando de repente te acuerdas de todo lo malo que te ha sucedido.

Respondiendo tu primera pregunta a ti mismo:
Han visto una persona maravillosa, que tiene la habilidad de llenar un momento con increibles recuerdos. Con risas y con silencios que no son incomodos. Lo mejor que tienes es que a pesar de tu tigueraje, no tienes miedo a expresar tus emociones tal cual, es simplemente admirable que no te importe que los demas "machos" piensen que es cursi ni mucho menos.

Continuando, creo que tu relacion con Cynthia fue algo que te paso no corto de maravilloso, la verdad es que si parecian una parejita de Hollywood! Es un problema cuando tienes una persona que es tan chula y de repente te das cuenta que se esta escapando de entre tus dedos. I feel for you!

Tengo el honor, digamos asi, de haber visto "glimpses" de tu nino, y la verdad es que es una loquera! Deberias dejarlo salir a jugar mas a menudo.

P.S. I love you soooo much, don't ever ask yourself what they saw in you, you're a great catch!