Sunday, April 03, 2005

That Lonely Drive Home... again

About a year ago I wrote a poem called "The Lonely Drive Home." Cynthia and I had just broken up and I was trying to let loose all those feelings of being alone for the first time in 3 years (or so). It was awkward, weird, wrong at times, great at others, but for most of the time I felt alone. I was mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at my family, and mad at my friends. It was nobody's and everybody's fault of our relationship's demise.* I didn't know what to think or where to go. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I know I am weak and even more weak when it comes to love. I AM a hopeless romantic.

These past two days I have found myself coming home in the wee hours of the morning.** Both times from a fun-filled night, but something is different. I noticed it last night. I was experiencing "The Lonely Drive Home" once again. Just that, this time it was different. It has been one whole year and my feelings have shifted, my mind is not thinking about the joys of being single... That hopeless romantic has come back. It's no longer missing someone who used to be there in those drives home at the end of the day, it's now wanting someone to be there in those drives home at the end of my day.

It was like a gush of wind, he just ran back and soon enough I was writing again. Honestly, not all that I write ends up here. Only what I would accept everyone reading. Those poems, those stories, those thoughts remain in my notebooks... scattered about. When a thought comes I pick up the first notebook I see and write, there is no logical order to them.

Lately I've been more afraid than anything. The other half of the time I find myself lost again. I have this feeling inside of me. It's like I WANT to do something, like I NEED to do something. It became worse on Friday as I chose to do something and, in one way or another, I received no response. I spent the rest of the weekend down, sleeping... Chosing to sleep rather than to be awake and think. At least in my dreams... at least there.***

Yesterday a good friend asked me to go over to his house. To go over and drown my sorrows in vodka i suppose. In many various ways did he let me know what he thought without ever saying a single word on the topic. Maybe he didn't do it on purpose, the different stories and anecdotes which somehow I could work into my life.

I left his house in hunger. Literal hunger that is. Something told me to pass by the bonche and I did. I was there or about an hour and a half. I let loose all my stress with Seb Fontaine [muy cool by the way] and left. I went because I had an entrance and if today I saw it and thought "diablo no fui" it would have been worse. But...

I went with hope. Hope to catch a glance. Hope to see for a second.
Just as the whole night I was present at Manuel's, but I really wasn't. My mind was elsewhere, working, trying to figure out or to avoid or to forget or to just... God knows...

It's funny.

I just came back from eating and I got my best advice from a Fortune Cookie:

Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational!
Lucky Number 4, 7, 11, 12, 35, 41

I should play those numbers, but I should pay more attention to the little message.

Nothing more.

Teacher George

*Demise; cool world which means DEATH or THE END OF SOMETHING.
**This word has nothing to do with excitement, wee means little, short, the smallest, first.
***Read Eyes Of A Blue Dog/Ojos de Un Perro Azul of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.



Este Blog forma parte de la lista de Blogs dominicano de PLANETA-BLOG
PLANETA-BLOG llegó y cuando esté totalmente hecho va a cambiar el mundo de los Blogs, especialmente los Blogs dominicanos.

Kandy said...

Disculpa que haya entrado en tu blog, pero es cierto que escribir tus sentimientos en otro idioma se siente distinto, como si, no te preocupara en absoluto abrirte por completo en un papel. Si te soy sincera, nunca pensé leer algo como eso en un blog tuyo. Es cierto que no te conozco en absoluto, pero es lo que dejas ver. Sorry.

::over-whelmed:: said...

lol.. that post up there is funny... lol.. but talking about ur blog i understand u completely.. that feeling.. all those feelings.. it's so confusing.. yet como k sorts out ur u.. gets u in touch with urself and u find things inside of u.. it helps it's like inner therapy.. but it hurts.. it's confusing.. an internal maze..

Amber said...

«Y dijo: No sientes el frío? y yo le dije: A veces... Y ella me dijo: Debes sentirlo ahora... Y entonces comprendí por qué no había podido estar solo en el asiento. Era el frío lo que me daba la certeza de mi soledad»

«Yo soy la que llega a tus sueños todas las noches y te dice esto: ojos de perro azul»

I know exactly what you mean... I've been there before... actually I'm there... (still).. sometimes...
y sólo puedo decirte que a veces... está en nosotros mismos cambiar lo que tenemos por lo que queremos y ansiamos... think 'bout it =)

joha said...

I can't think of nothing to make u feel better about what your going thru(grab the pentalitro de brugal lol) I said it before and I say it now "by now you should know that in time things must change, so it shouldn't be so bad" things will change, you will capture her heart just hang in there, and those lonely drive home they don't have to be that lonely; put the brugal bottle you love so much in the passengers seat and buckle him up lol

joselo182 said...

existen sentimientos ke son mejores no esperarlos ni desearlos, sino simplemente dejar ke entreen por si solos en la vida.

its pretty obvious that ur showing signs of loneliness, wishing that someone special who deserves to be loved enters ur life, i know it because i feel the same way, but i have learned not to spect it, because i found out that this way the loneliness doesnt hurt that much.

in spite of the circumstances remember that u're never alone in the road of life

Erick Pérez said...

No puedo decir que te CONOZCO poque mentiría. Pero si te puedo decir que a mí también me ha pasado, en esencia, eso que describes. Pero a veces eso nos hace ver que estamos vivos. Just remember que el camino de la vida es largo y jodón, pero siempre te encuentras con gente al lado de esa carretera para que te ayuden.

Gabriela said...

We've all been there, I think it means that you are, my friend, ready for a new relationship.

P.S. me le mandas saludos a Cynthia. jejeje


Teacher George said...

heh... buehhh si ella me hablara asegurate q le mandara tus saludos, pero sorry can't do it. algun dia vere si podre decirles tus saludos

oh yeah... and thanx, como q a todos

Gabriela said...

Geooooge!!!! e que tu ere cruel!!! That was your girl! no mentira, pienso en alguien mejor aun (si fuera posible) but I ain't telling, lo que si es que ella como que tiene los mismos sentimientos ahora, o sea, no que tiene un crush sino que se siente igualmente, como que falta algo ;) Y ella seria una excelente cunada, a menos que se ponga celosa de que tu eres mi marido suplente (aunque los mares nos separen jejeje)