Some Things Old

I don't know why, but I just recalled a very heartbreaking moment for me. In a sense maybe you might not find it so woeful or anything, but I don't know WHY I thought of it and it's like the sadness just poured itself back in.

This must have been at least more than a year ago. I've been single for a year now, ergo, more than a year.

There is a famous question I believe I have asked every single one of the eight girlfriends I have had and that is "What could you possibly see in someone like me?" Yes, my low self-esteem is rather pronounced, is it not? Well, since all of them were different and they were all in rather different moments of my life the answers varied from one to another. Nevertheless the one answer that seemed to repeat itself in one form or another was the famous "childish" quality I have. It is not that I am immature, it is just that I sort of enjoy life in a way a child will. I have my moments when the true maturity and seriousness of an adult kicks in, but most of my life is ruled by fun, laughter, and wild stories of my friends.

The thing is some time back, when Cynthia and I were beginning to have problems, there were these petty little fights that made no sense. Mind you that I love her to death to this day, differently, but still love her in amazing amounts. Things were going awry and I was found struggling to keep the relationship in place, fighting to hold on, clinging on to the beautiful small moments and somehow always coming out victorious for "one more chance." This went on for months...

Everyone was oblivious to these problems and whenever we would go out we would be that PERFECT couple once more. Heck, I honestly did not care because we were great together, possibly almost every aspect of us was great. The thing is, and I have been thru this, as love seems to fade away or at least HINT that it might fade away and PA COLMO you don't want to end the relationship,... one tends to start hating [i despise that word, pero es la que mejor pega para que me entiendan] a la otra persona por estar juntas. Now, please understand these are my thoughts on the matter, they might be different, so if you wish to spread the word or... GOSSIP about it, at least say that I admit it is what I believe.

Well, I think at one point there was basic fight-picking. Any little thing and a fight would emerge, I'd twist it around and we'd stay together. A problem,... we'd talk it out and kiss it up. This went on up until she said one thing that hit me, it sort of... well... broke my heart.

In one of those extensive conversations about what was wrong and how to fix it and so on and so forth it came out. [i'm paraphrasing my memory doesn't work well enough to remember the exact thing] "Es que tu eres un carajito, tu vives tu vida pensando que es como un show o una pelicula"

I don't know why that hit me so strong. Why did that hurt so much? Why did I cry over that later on that night? Could the one thing everyone had always said they loved about me had turned against me?

I began to analyze it then. It was true, basically, I did live my life thinking of movies and TV shows. I had grown up watching things like "Dawson's Creek" and "Felicity." Believing that friends were just like "Friends" and that people could get away with being sly and prick like in "Seinfeld." I believed in love like I saw in "Don Juan DeMarco" and "Meet Joe Black." I believed in fighting for what you believe in like in "Braveheart." Things always worked out for the best like in "Breakfast Club", "St.Elmo's Fire", "Pretty in Pink", and "Sixteen Candles."

I think back now and I realize that apart from "Seinfeld" I have stopped believing in all those things. Somehow, inadvertently, she had rid me of all that love for fantasy in life. That true love always found its way. That if you were good enough you would get good things in life. That friends are always there for you.

I don't know. I don't hate her. I don't think anything bad of her, but I just remembered this and realized how things have just stopped since then. I miss that kid inside, it's still there, comes out sometimes to giggle, or point and laugh at someone, but he's locked up inside for some reason. I wish you could know him.

Music to Soothe the Soul

It's funny how all this time has passed and I've never truly spoken about music. Actually, I don't intend to. I like too many types of music and if I say all the things I HATE then people will be all judgemental. I think this time it is not different... I won't preach about MetallicA, or Pink Floyd, or La Ley, Dashboard Confessional* or whatever... this is a small story, and the best part of it, por si tu lo estas leyendo, it's a true story [ya que dijistes que los true stories te cautivan mas]...

Hace ya 5 años yo estaba en una relación que ya veia sus últimos días. Vaya... De verdad que sabia que no era igual pero teniamos 2 años y algo juntos & queria seguir viendo si era una fase o algo por el estilo. Pues al cabo del tiempo** las cosas empeoraron y se me hacia hasta dificil hablarle. Cuando la llevaba a su casa en el camino ponia musica para hacerme el que cantaba pero me ponia ansioso, things were bad. Somehow encontre una musica que lo que hacia era calmarme. Al oir esa musica todo se tranquilizaba, me sentia mejor y esos silencios entre los dos eran aguantables. En si la relación murió pero siempre seguimos siendo amigos. Pero desde ese momento cuando algo a mi me pasa malo, o cuando estoy nervioso, o quizas deprimido, aturdido o hasta simplemente quiero descansar y despejar la mente pongo eso.

Ahora de que estoy hablando? Hablo la musica clasica. Y no... en si no es Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikowskouskoskwoskoy or whatever... Yo me volvi loco con los movie scores, oyendo la musica de atras de los momentos romanticos, momentos tranquilos, los "silencios" entre los personajes de las peliculas...

Hehehe ahora ni se porque estoy escribiendo sobre esto. Pero nada, ya voy por mucho, debo acabarlo.

Si hay algo que a mi me calma y lo vivo es Adios Nonino de Carel Kraayenhof. Otro que me tumba al instante es Concierto de Aranjuez de Joaquim Rodrigo. Whisper of a Thrill de "Meet Joe Black" y City of Angels & Spreading Wings by Gabriel Yared de "City of Angels." Unchained Melody (Instrumental) from "Ghost" and Habanero by Paco de Lucia from "Don Juan De Marco." Hymn to the Sea by James Horner from "Titanic" and In Memory of Mitch & I Don't Want to Wait from Dawson's Creek. The Council of Elrond from Lord of the Rings I, wow esa yo me pierdo oyendo esa jeva, and she doesn't actually have lyrics it's just her vocalization and the orchestra behind, wow...

Pero la que me mata... la que he oido mil y una veces, la que tengo en varias versiones y formas diferentes es Clair de Lune by Debussy que sale en "Ocean's Eleven" y "Frankie & Johnny." Esa es un peliculita que POCA gente ha visto con Michelle Pfeiffer y Al Pacino, y es de romance, no bad guys, nothing bad at all.

Yo creo que es la forma que son tan tranquilas, tan melodicas, que tu SIENTES los sentimientos de esos momentos de la pelicula, en si... creo que uno se olvida de la pelicula y you FEEL it.

I can sit down and sort of forget everything. Focus on peace, tranquility, love, and passion. Clair de Lune is so sweet and so lovely, it makes me think of a quiet, peaceful night with someone I love and how beautiful time can be what that person. I don't know. It all comes back to emotion. Give these songs a try, sit down, lie down, turn the lights off, shut the shades, and close your eyes. Hear it, feel it, love it. Imagine the moment of the song, each song sort of brings it to you, some distant lovely memory just flashes back.


*notice how I indirectly let you know my favorites although i said i wouldn't say it.
** no se si se dice asi pero suena bien

...Thanks...

I bet people read the title and automatically want to know to whom I am going to say "Thanks" to. Heck I bet some of you are going "uhhh it's me, yeah, it's probably me..." chances are...

...

you're wrong

...

This is one is different it's a long time coming, well, not that I had always thought about writing it, just that I know that it was in my heart. Even now as I stare at my fingers type away furiously, non-stop I can notice that it's amazing how it is just flowing. The thing is this is really from the heart and, more surprinsingly, these things are directed to mostly people you [ as well as I ] do not even know that well [ or at all ] or maybe just cannot see much of.

So many posts ago I expressed what I thought was the guide to how to enjoy life. I am not saying this was wrong, no... I am just shocked now that in a way I do not like that title. It should have said something like "What I value the most" or something along those lines. Friends are the most important thing, it is with them that we can live thru this life. I'd like to right now say "Thank You" to all those whom know I love as true true friends and know that I have, am, and will always be by their side.

Vamo al mambo!

This one may seem rather emmm simple I guess. I would like to thank Ms. Anonymous [ asi ella pone sus comments aqui ] because I saw in her blog today that she changed the way she referred to me in her link of friends. I am now "El "so sweet" George." Ok... ahora porque disque le dire thank you? Bueno it's just that, I don't think anyone has ever referred to me as "sweet." Well, only those who have become VERY close to me know who I can really be. Only they know that the outer aspect is mostly a decoy or a shield or a repellent, todo depende. So, if you wrote it and you meant it, thank you for... well, for actually knowing me somehow. It means a lot.

Despues quisiera darle un quick and simple "thanks" a la unica esposa que tengo pero con la cual nunca me case y ni vive aqui. I guess I want to thank you because you thought I didn't appreciate you as a friend and you thought I saw you as just another person I knew, and you felt bad about that. Aunque yo taba COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that it was me, it's good to know that I have another friend who lives so far away and is still caring. ;)

Quickly... Ili. I love you to death. I am so grateful that I have you as a friend. You are an INCREDIBLE friend. I thank God that I have you as a friend. You mean the world to me. He who knows you is truly blessed. Short & Sweet.

Por ultimo [yeah it's over soon] es para alguien que de verdad... honestamente... I have no idea who it is. I really don't. Honestly! Never met her, never heard her, don't even have her on MSN! I would just like to thank this person because in some weird unexplainable way I have gotten to this person thru this blog. I've inspired and it is just amazing how I never really intended this to be for anyone, just for me. Ok, yo anuncio cuando hay un post nuevo, pero... still it is my mind, it is what I think, what really goes on inside me. So, gracias Carmen, como te dije en el comment de tu blog es por gente como tu que continuo a escribir por aqui.

...

Fue bastante simple no?
Esperabas mas?

Feel disappointed? Not happy?
Here... this picture should make you happy!

this picture either did two things:

1- it made you happy cause you love the Carebears
2- you just totally doubted my sexual preference...

i'm not gay

"...not that there's anything wrong with that..."

"Eso te limpia..."

What's with parents and "limpieza"? I mean, really...

As long as I can remember I've been hearing things to eat, drink, buy, use, and take that will in some way CLEAN me or my surroundings.

I remember when I was a little kid and we'd go to the beach my dad would always say something about how ocean water cleans the sinus and gargling it would clean your throat!* He would always give me this pill [he still does] once a year "para los parasitos." My mom is always trying on some new spray on something for my room "es que huele a hombre"... well mom, shouldn't you be proud? I doesn't smell like a sissy's room! "Es que huele como a humo" ... sadly she always says that eventhough I've told her a thousand times that's what happens when you go to a club/disco here, you end up smelling like cigarettes and nitro.

Funny thing is the stuff we eat sometimes. "La lechoza te limpia" ... "una taza de caffe cubano te limpia" ... "ese picante esta que te limpia la nariz y te pica el craneo" ... "come mas cheesecake que eso te limpia."**

And this has been going on for years, you know... hey, God bless em for trying to keep me "on the right path" and "organized, clean, and responsible"*** My dad walks into my room DAILY, i'm not joking, and cleans my dirty clothes and stuff I threw on the floor. I'm not a pig, I pick it up in the morning, pero cuando yo llego de noche yo me quito todo diunave y DESPUES, al otro dia, es que se recoge.

Oh God... and the medicines and stuff. Hahaha that's the funny one. You see I already do not need any help going to the bathroom for any of the two reasons, but they somehow insist on drinking "cascara sagrada" and "horsetail"**** But today, no ... TODAY is when it got bad. My dad gives me a BOTTLE of coconut water. Now, first things first... I HATE COCONUT. Solamente el dulce de coco en todas sus variantes. But coconunt? the white fleshy thing? the watery disgusting spermy looking thing... NO!

"Bebete una botella, eso te limpia..."

...

my only response was... [looks at bottle] - [looks at dad] - [looks at bathroom] "...MAS!?!?!"

I think they are trying to make me implode*****.

I don't even know what else I'm going to be drinking or using or taking or eating that is supposed to help me "CLEAN MYSELF."




* Actually I later found out this was true, but it's part of the story.
** Ok... ok ... that one isn't true, but I can dream!
*** This one they have failed miserably on.
*** One makes ya poop, one makes ya pee. I'll leave your imagination to see which is which.
**** This means to blow up inward, as in the opposite of EXPLODE, it'd blow up but go inside all... you know what? forget it...

...Inspirations...

Vaya ... three days and no writing?

I think it's because I spent all this time basically watching LOST too damn much hehehe. That and sort of waiting around until someone read the last post and reading their comments. Pero... I guess that inspiration hadn't come back yet. It's funny, people ask about my inspirtation. ALL THE TIME. Are you writing about...? Are you still thinking about...? But hasn't it been years, how come you're still thinking about...?

People ask a lot. It's ok.

Wow ... de dónde viene mi inspiración?

De verdad, para los que no habian leído anteriormente, yo soy un hopeless romantic. Osea, de verdad, yo vivo por esas cosas. Esas memorias mias estan como que quemadas en el corazon y la memoria.

De verdad yo cojo un poco de todo. Yo reuno todos los sentimientos y revivo momentos en mi vida over and over again in my head. Me acuerdo de todo y de repente... XUAS... asi salen al papel. No sé si me explico... Osea, muy pocas veces escribo sobre una persona, es muy dificil que me salgan palabras sobre alguien. Por eso es que mi cuento [Jacobs] ha durado 8 años en hacer porque todavia lo re-leo y pienso que no estoy expresando bien el amor a algunas de las chicas. De cualquier forma ahi esta incompleto y varias personas lo leen y me dicen... "SIGUE SIGUE ME DEJASTE EN EL AIRE" pero es que me quede con Iliana [que en vida real es Jill]... y eso que le puse Iliana antes de conocer a Ili The Wise.

Hay momentos en la vida que yo creo que seria imposible poder describirlos en papel, como dicen en ingles... it would be impossible to do it justice. Mientras mas intente, no incorporará todas las emociones que deberian salir, no saldria el amor que senti, el dolor, la felicidad, los celos, la esperanza, etc...

I wish I could. I still love them all somehow. It's funny. How all the feelings come back. I can remember it all. Over and over. One of the ones I re-read a lot is "Another..."

Another...

An instant is a second,
but that second is an eternity.
It wasn't a simple embrace
or a kiss of true love.
It was quick, yet intense.
You looked more beautiful than ever,
more than when you were mine.
I felt like I had fallen in love once more,
although in just that instant
I fell for you.
After so much time,
so many hugs, so many kisses,
so many caresses, so many calls,
after all, NOW I love you.
That instant, so long, so painful,
such intense pain in such quick moment.
Just one glance, just one look,
only to see you, with another....

Yeah I know... It sucks doesn't it? When that happens...
No se porque siempre lo leo. A veces sonrio. A veces me deprimo. A veces hasta se me aguan los ojos. I miss her. It's been YEARS, pero I miss her. Then again... doesn't this fit for anyone? It should, shouldn't it...

Read it and whomever you think it is, you might be right, you might be wrong, you might have no clue. The thing is I wrote it using combination emotions from everything in my life, but I know I can pinpoint it to someone.

...

Hmm... no me gusto este post... pero total, ya lo escribi...

Past Passions, and the New...

Today I told my dad that some of my college friends were planning on doing a party in Jubilee in May called "We Are The 90s." I was really excited about it and told him how much I looked forward to it all. I told him how the 90s were so much better, so much more fun, so crazy for us, better music, better places, better friends. He kept on looking straight as I drove and ranted for about 10 minutes of traffic back from work. Finally almost as we arrive to our house he says, "Es increible... Tú solamente tienes 22 años y ya estas hablando que en los tiempos de antes era mejor. Esa fiesta la hacen porque ya se sienten viejos..."

...

He's right.

...

damnit

...

Funny thing is my mind didn't really get stuck on the whole "we are getting old" thing. It went further... I started to think about the 90s. If I think about it the 90s incorporates from when I turned 7 to when I turned 17. Now, the rest of this blog, from this point on, will mostly be for people who are 20 and above. It will feel stronger to them. If you are from 17 to 20 then you might be starting to go thru this. If you are younger then take this as a "heads up."

Do you remember when you were 14 to 16? Remember life back then? Do you remember your favorite show? Your favorite teams? Favorite movies? Favorite games/toys? Best friends? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Favorite places to go? What you did on the weekends? ... Remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?

See that is the one that got to me.

Now, most people don't even believe me when I tell them I am a teacher. Heck, I am damn sure some of my best friends think I am just doing a job for the time being. They do not really know that it is what I love to do. Most people don't know I like Heavy Metal music, but I listen to almost everything else. Some people don't know I studied Business Administration and some people still think I stayed in Economics. Only a handful of people know what I really wanted to be my whole life up until I was 18.

When I was a kid my parents always told me I was creative, had an inmense imagination, and I was good describing things. One way or another. I liked to write. I loved music. I liked to read. I loved to draw. So, it became quite obvious that what I was good at was Arts, in all its variants.

I wanted to do it all. I wanted to learn to play the bass guitar or the acoustic guitar. I wanted to write poetry and short stories. I wanted to read non-stop books per author. I wanted to draw and paint on canvas. Heck, I even sculpted the NotreDame Cathedral of France once & did a copy of Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night. I'm not lying.

I was given several scholarships to study Computer Animation, Graphic Designs, Architecture, Arts Major, and Computer Graphics...

I didn't take any of them. Instead I stayed here. I started Economics. Noticed how horrible it was, switched to BusAdm and finished off easily.

The funny thing is, now that I think about it, I would draw in all my classes. I don't mean scribbles and all these crazy lines that make no sense. I would draw people. I would draw landscapes in my mind. I would draw the classroom. I would draw the cafeteria. I would just draw. If I didn't draw I would be writing. Writing poetry, writing prose, writing a short story, or whatever came to mind.

I have that in me. I have that need to let it out. I know now that I did not really do what I should have, but hey... I love teaching and if I had left the country to Parsons would I have been able to notice how much I love teaching?

So... what's better? what's worse?

What I found out? What I missed?

Think about it. What did you REALLY want to be? What happened? Was it worth it?

I don't know. I'm happy with my life. I love all my students, regardless. I love my work. I love my friends. I'm happy.... but as always, it's missing... and it will come out, I know it will.

For Those Of Us Who Are Lost

Lately i've noticed that i'm not the only one like this, it IS something in the air! [Previous Post]

Last night I went out with a very good friend of mine and we spoke. He wanted my support, let's call it that, for him to pursue something with someone i know is NOT good. In the end, I'll support him because, as he would say, "he's my bro." Regardless the outcome I know I can say whatever I say about not talking about it anymore, about not getting into that mess, and all that... i know I will end up being there to either pick up the pieces or pat him on the back for a good job.

I got to thinking this last night and this morning as I stumbled around sick as hell, sneezing and coughing. Seeing the sun rise in unison with my fever. The morning heat was nothing compared to the sweats of my condition. I walked downstairs and made myself breakfast, nothing big, just scrambled eggs with nothing. Salt. Glass of Milk. Walked up the stairs and sat down at the old throne of mine [the computer] and read everything I could, saw as many backed up episodes of LOST i could see, and started to watch TV. I passed out around 2pm. Ate lunch drenched in sweat, i guess i was sweating the fever. Fever left. The cold came back. Then sore throat came. Walked upstairs. Laid down, passed out. Woke up at 8pm.

Throughout all that my mind was working non-stop. Thinking of what is it I miss. It's funny, I have to admit I thought of her a lot. I think that is kind of weird too, makes no sense. Comes and goes. Comes and goes.

Someone very important to someone I know once said:

"You are damned if you do, you are damned if you don't."

Interesting. You're probably thinking "so, basically, whatever I do I'm fucked?"

...

Yeah

But don't think of it as a bad thing. Really. Don't. This is different. At least, I see it different. No matter what you do, something always goes bad. But I learned a long time ago that for every good thing there is an exact opposite bad thing coming your way; and vice-versa. Why hold things back? Why not go all the way? Why not give your heart all out? Why not give the girl a second chance? Why not move on? Why not tell her how you feel? Why not try a new style? Why not go to the interview of the job? Why not go over and talk to the girl? Why don't I buy her those flowers? Why don't you tell your parents you NEED your freedom? Why don't you realize that you are the problem? Why don't you just stop? Why don't you just start?

"Why not?" ... - ... People always listen to my advice, knowing i'm harsh and straight to the point, and somehow say "WHY?" and my response shall always be "why not?" If you always ask yourself WHY? WHY? WHY? I think you should be asking yourself "Why don't i?"

It comes back to this again...

the wise Ili once said "It is worse to regret something you never did, than to regret something you did"

...

couldn't have put it better myself

teacher george

Being forgetful...

Tengo algo que escribir que me vino a la cabeza el otro día pero como les habia prometido algo NON-serious pues lo apunte [porque si no se me olvida] y lo guarde para hoy.

...

Todo el mundo que me conoce sabe que a mi se me olvidan las cosas. De que lado esta la cosa de echarle gasolina a mi carro. En la bateria de un carro si el rojo es positivo o negativo, o sera el negro? Cuales clases tengos cuales dias. Donde puse mis lentes, donde puse mi cartera, a quien le tengo que pagar de la cafeteria. Han habido veces que en el colegio me dan 50 pesos para cambiar en tickets y en fracciones de segundo ya se me olvido cuanto me habian dado. Se me olvida si puse clases o si chequie la tarea. No me acuerdo donde dejo los examenes. Se me olvidan los cumpleaños y las citas. Si me dices algo ahora mismo quizas en 5 minutos se me olvido lo que me dijiste. Compré una PALM para acordarme de las cosas pero se me olvido usarla. Se me olvidan los nombres de las personas. Siempre me confundo entre la Paseo de Locutores y la Roberto Pastoriza. A veces la Tiradentes con la Lope de Vega. Es mas... han habido veces que confundo la Lincoln con la Churchill. En fin, mi cerebro funciona BIEN para muchisimas cosas pero para algunas cosas no funciona bien.

Ahora bien, mi mente sí guarda otros momentos.

Siempre me acordaré de cuando vi a Martica desde el otro lado del auditorio del Loyola durante el concierto de Al-Jadaqui. Nunca me olvidaré cuando volvi a entrar a la habitacion de Cullowhee y vi a Jonathan de espaldas llorando. Nunca me olvidare una noche en casa de Shiara en Sosua que Andrew me dijo todas mis fallas. Nunca me olvidare de cuando me sente enfrente de Jill y le pedi permiso para besarla; tampoco cuando fuimos a la feria de libros y fue la primera vez que le agarre las manos en el pasillo de tiras comicas. No me olvidare de la cara de Cynthia la primera vez que le dije que la amaba. Nunca me olvidare en el 1997 cuando entre a mi habitacion y ahi estaba Joel cucutiando mis revistas de Nintendo Power y yo ni lo conocia. Nunca me olvidare todas las veces que Moreno y yo nos reiamos camino a coger clase de merengue donde Chicha. Nunca me olvidare del olor de los Smoky Mountains en Cullowhee. Nunca me olvidare dando el discurso de graduacion de mi promocion y a mitad de llantos levantar la mirada y ver a Raquel sonriendo. Nunca me olvidare de aquel abrazo en su casa. Nunca me olvidare de la vez que Vicz vino hasta mi casa a darme un abrazo por algo que habia escrito. Nunca me olvidare que despues de la graduacion de colegio Moreno me vio llorando y abrio sus brazos y me dijo "ok ok, fine, come on." Nunca me olvidare de cuando conoci a James y el entro al cuarto vestido de naranja como siempre y dijo "we're going to the N'Sync concert." Nunca me olvidare de la primera vez que vi a Forest borracho en el parqueo de TC3. Que Je me llamo para que fuera a su casa simplemente para alegrarme el día. Ni de cuando abri la puerta de mi habitacion en New York y ahi estaba Charlie, nadie sabia quien el era ni que hacia ahi. Nunca me olvidare de cuando un grupo de estudiantes gritaron mi nombre y se pararon a aplaudir cuando vieron que iba a hablar en su graduacion. Nunca me olvidare de la pelea de Nutella entre Leticia y yo; aquella vez antes de ir para TC3 en las escaleras de Schizo. Cuando Joselo me dijo "I consider you a true friend." Cada mañana levantandome con un roommate como Andrew por 4 veranos de mi vida, THAT was priceless. Nunca me olvidare de cuando Jason se aparecia en mi casa y me gritaba desde abajo "BITCH! Baja, vamo a beber, deja de ta deprimio!" Mucho menos de cuando el se iba para USA y lo llevamos al aeropuerto, lo abraze y lloramos. Tampoco cuando Moreno se iba y todavia el caminando a su puerta de salida taba el haciendo relajos desde lejos.

Nunca olvido cuando alguien dice "this is my best friend." Ni cuando alguien dice "i like your class" or "you're the best teacher." Y como alguien supo decir el otro dia: "you're smart, but you're a prick." And I shouldn't have to say it, but I never forget when someone said "i love you" - friend or lover.

Yo sé que todas esas cosas son quizas minusculas para ustedes, es mas, quizas la mayoria digan "so? no big deal?" pero I just wanted to let some of you know. I do forget everything, it's true. I always do. But the same way that things leave my mind all the time, things never leave my heart. My mother and father may not have had any more children, but I know 110% that what I have more is brothers and sisters.

Maybe this one was a wreck. I admit it. It sort of loses itself midway doesn't it? I start out ok and then I lost it. But I let it out, don't know why.

as always, chenkui

teacher george

a TRUE gift

I received a call today from a student's mother. I found it rather odd considering the kid was finally doing a really good job and I had JUST selected him to represent the school in the Model United Nations.*

I prepared for the worse.**

I was surprised to hear the woman's tone: sad. I could hear a faint sign that she hab been crying, or so it seemed, yet it was I whose eyes watered. She had merely called to say:
"Gracias por ayudarlo, por estar ahí y que Dios te bendiga! Gracias!"

I was left in shock.

The kid had not been fine somehow, his grades were LOW and he looked down. Apparently he looked up to me, always spoke about me, and said that his good fortune was due to my help and motivation. It's amazing when that happens, when you don't expect it and someone says something good to you?

Then, yesterday, another student's mother sent me a gift. No reason. No card. "Tome mi mamá le mandó esto." Just a Gift.

Last night as I read my messages I saw the following message:

Se q no te conozco y no tengo la menor idea de quien eres, pero tengo q admitir q desde q vi tu página en blogger, me llamó muchísimo la atención tu forma de pensar y desde entonces todos los días entro a leer lo q haz escrito, resulta curioso como uno se siente identificado con personas (en mi caso tú) q no tienen absolutamente nada q ver con mi vida. Me encanta tu manera de pensar y sobre todo la forma en q escribes, realmente en estos tiempos hay muy pocas personas con esa percepción q tienes de la vida, de los amigos, las mujeres y sobre todo de los pequeños detalles.

Quisiera poder decirte muchísimas cosas mas acerca de lo q me haz hecho pensar cuando eh leido tus .......... no se q nombre ponerle, pero no lo hago por dos razones
#1 No acabaria por estos tiempos jejeje
#2 Que impresion dejaria en ti.??????

SE Q ES EXTRAÑO Q UNA PERSONA LE DIGA TODO ESTO A OTRA SIN TENER LA MEJOR IDEA DE SABER QUIEN ES, PERO REALMENTE QUERIA Q SUPIERAS Q MUCHAS VECES SUBESTIMAMOS EL PODER DE NUESTRAS ACCIONES, SIN SABER Q CON UN PEQUEÑO COMENTARIO Q EN MI CASO LLEGO DE UNA FORMA INDIRECTA (una casualidad de la vida) PODEMOS CAMBIAR LA FORMA DE COMPRENDER LAS COSAS EN LA VIDA DE OTRA PERSONA.

Nothing is better than receiving something good that you didn't expect. Well, except when it's from someone you don't even know. then it becomes special.***

I also saw Raqui today. Wow... that REALLY brightenned my day. Llevabamos mucho sin vernos ni hablar, just catching up. Best friends are forever, regardless what people say.


*** Gracias, desde el fondo de mi corazón, Carmen Almonte

That Lonely Drive Home... again

About a year ago I wrote a poem called "The Lonely Drive Home." Cynthia and I had just broken up and I was trying to let loose all those feelings of being alone for the first time in 3 years (or so). It was awkward, weird, wrong at times, great at others, but for most of the time I felt alone. I was mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at my family, and mad at my friends. It was nobody's and everybody's fault of our relationship's demise.* I didn't know what to think or where to go. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I know I am weak and even more weak when it comes to love. I AM a hopeless romantic.

These past two days I have found myself coming home in the wee hours of the morning.** Both times from a fun-filled night, but something is different. I noticed it last night. I was experiencing "The Lonely Drive Home" once again. Just that, this time it was different. It has been one whole year and my feelings have shifted, my mind is not thinking about the joys of being single... That hopeless romantic has come back. It's no longer missing someone who used to be there in those drives home at the end of the day, it's now wanting someone to be there in those drives home at the end of my day.

It was like a gush of wind, he just ran back and soon enough I was writing again. Honestly, not all that I write ends up here. Only what I would accept everyone reading. Those poems, those stories, those thoughts remain in my notebooks... scattered about. When a thought comes I pick up the first notebook I see and write, there is no logical order to them.

Lately I've been more afraid than anything. The other half of the time I find myself lost again. I have this feeling inside of me. It's like I WANT to do something, like I NEED to do something. It became worse on Friday as I chose to do something and, in one way or another, I received no response. I spent the rest of the weekend down, sleeping... Chosing to sleep rather than to be awake and think. At least in my dreams... at least there.***

Yesterday a good friend asked me to go over to his house. To go over and drown my sorrows in vodka i suppose. In many various ways did he let me know what he thought without ever saying a single word on the topic. Maybe he didn't do it on purpose, the different stories and anecdotes which somehow I could work into my life.

I left his house in hunger. Literal hunger that is. Something told me to pass by the bonche and I did. I was there or about an hour and a half. I let loose all my stress with Seb Fontaine [muy cool by the way] and left. I went because I had an entrance and if today I saw it and thought "diablo no fui" it would have been worse. But...

I went with hope. Hope to catch a glance. Hope to see for a second.
Just as the whole night I was present at Manuel's, but I really wasn't. My mind was elsewhere, working, trying to figure out or to avoid or to forget or to just... God knows...

It's funny.

I just came back from eating and I got my best advice from a Fortune Cookie:

Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational!
Lucky Number 4, 7, 11, 12, 35, 41

I should play those numbers, but I should pay more attention to the little message.

Nothing more.

Teacher George

*Demise; cool world which means DEATH or THE END OF SOMETHING.
**This word has nothing to do with excitement, wee means little, short, the smallest, first.
***Read Eyes Of A Blue Dog/Ojos de Un Perro Azul of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Too Much To Dub It A Specific Name

This one... don't expect to fully grasp it. Se van a marear. Se van a confundir y no entenderan como todo se relaciona. Quizas aquellos que hayan leido de Julio Cortazar podran entenderlo. Esto viene despues de que tengo MILES de cosas en la cabeza una tras otra, es un contó!

... it begins ...

hay pocas cosas que me alegran la vida. ... ... mentira, son muchas... pero emm ok ya ya ummm hay pocas cosas que me hacen sentir extremadamente bien de MI MISMO, yea eso es lo q keria decir. hace como dos semanas (creo) sali con un grupo de panas donde en ese grupo habian estudiantes y EX-estudiantes. entre tragos, estupideces, relajos y demuestras de amor entre dos personas que uno NO se lo esperaba [y menos de esa forma] surge lo siguiente... terminamos en una bomba cherchando y por ALGUNA razon alguien habla del comunismo, por ahi empezo todo. uno de los muchachos dice que mi padre le dio esa clase de comunismo y empieza a defenderse y hacer al otro panita [el que hablo] quedar mal. la Ex-estudiante viene y dice de cosas que aprendio tambien y yo como que "mielda, tamo en una bomba, son como las 3am y tamo dandole clase a un panita por bocón." en eso el mismo panita, no se como, empieza a hablar de Alexander the Great... osea... el dia ANTES yo habia acabado de darle el examen al muchacho que estaba ahi de ese tema. Po el panita no se puso a decir idiotecees y yo nada mas mirandolo hasta que le dije "mi hermano pero yo soy profesor de historia, yo di eso este mes entero, sientese y callese" [o algo parecido] pero QUE satisfaccion me dio esa vaina, no mandarlo a callar, sino ver que estas dos personas APRENDIERON, se saben ALGO y que lo pudieron USAR... muy coool.... [q tabamo pensando diske hablando filosofia en el piso de una bomba?]

q pena me dio q hoy hable con un ex-estudiante q se fue del senderos. osea un panita q era bueno y estudioso. cuando hable con el, le hable en ingles pq el era de los buenos y me salto con uun ingle machucaiiisimo y na ma le dije "mielda viejo y que paso con tu ingles?" y na ma como q me dijo que taba guardado en su cabeza y parece q en el colegio dnd esta ahora no le dan importancia. no es q el ingles SEA LO MADSIMO [palabras de Joselo] pero es que el pana tiene un potential lokisimo y no lo ta eplotando, eso ta mal.

mi cabello se ta pasando. ese maldito loco. ya ni la gelatina Dady lo ta aguantando. ta largo, eso si, pero es que no lo kiero cortar. este mes pasado [marzo] cumpli un año sin cortarme arriba. Una foto del fin de semana en Bayahibe pa q vean q mi cabello ta loco, pero i like it that way. and no... no tengo el ganchito pueto ahora, pero lo uso a menudo ya... ahhh si alguien tiene uno MA grande seria cool pq ete e medio pequenio y yo tengo MUCHO cabello y e grueso my hair.

ayer sacamos el viejo Nintendo y nos pusimos a jugar reliquias. Mario 1, Duckhunt, Batman 1, Double Dragon III, Metal Gear 1 y Star Wars 1. muy apero, me rei ma kel diablo. aunke eso no falta. llame al DoctorZeuss [ Visit his page ] pa q oyera el desolden.

yo taba pensando en amigos again. es raro. me puse a pensar en Cullowhee, en ese viejo campamento de hace ya mas de 7 años que terminamos. me hacen falta esas personas que conocimos alla. mucho. me dolio oir que quebro ese campamento. eso era, honestamente, un sueño casi asistir alla. las amistades, lo q uno aprendia, mielda q apero... North Carolina es un lugar bellisimo y tranquilo. yo se que algun dia volvere.

q es lo q me pasa ultimamente? toy perdio, de verdad q si... siento que yo siento las cosas mas que alguien. ese es mi problema. o quizas lo siente , pero no lo se. hay cosas tan pequeñas, tan simples que para mi son tan grandes. a touch. a graze. things like that. i wish i could let it out. it's hard. it's been too long. i want too. but i fear too much. there's a fear that i might actually lose a friendship over this. i dunno. quizas deberia oir a MANUELJE cuando dice "just do it" ... o quizas fue lo que me dijo ILI cuando me dijo "it is worse to regret something you never did, than to regret something you did"

blahh he escrito mucho, q desorden, eh? si llegaron hasta aqui, los felicito... Chenkui

PS. JE, gracias por ser mi amigo men.
PSS. Ili... love you sweety :)